Journal 121: Lost One’s Weeping ||| Vocaloid
“Take the following since the objects of action most likely won’t be available. A small leather bracelet. A white tattered blanket. A vest. A camera. And a cape. Bring them all within a room with other objects and several misnomers. If the child goes for each they are the reincarnation.” – From a personal project I am not going to reveal here. Ideally overtime within each reincarnation being discovered you would take one object per death or the reincarnation and replace it. Vest would be my object. That is how you would find my spark. Of course I am hardly a divine being so finding me would be pointless. It’s not as though I am anyone important. But I was watching avatar the last airbender and it occurred to me. How you would find my reincarnation should such a thing be of matters. You could then further test this by placing several drinks in front of the child. Green Tea, Cocacola, Cofee and something not mentioned here. Then ask the child to rank the drinks based on taste. Not how much they liked them. Rank them differently based on familiarity or something of the sort. Then lastly check the childs two favorite numbers which again should not be written here.
Abgonn: im not odin if tats what your thinking
M: what im thinking is your an old spirit using abgonn as a mask
Abgonn:your quite right
M: dont hes mine
Abgonn: and what of the other aspects are they too not masks for other spirits connected heavily through you. Your certainly not hopper thats for dam sure
M: they are parts of my personality personified
Abgonn: you may believe that but that is not what is happening here. Not even remotely. Whats happening is a resurgence of divinity started through you. Im afraid thats the truth. I am apart of this resurgence and i came to you as abgonn hoping we could be friends
M: im just upset cus i don see you as how i envisioned him and your not fulfilling his role
A: and what spirit would be more appropriate. Odin. tote, yourself
M: why are you so condescending
A: im not condescending i’m curious i know your a good person sorry for testing you on that
M: why are you like this
A: im sure your joking but the answer is beyond you and not one you could ever fully know.
A: i know you know how divinity works im suprised your still saying your not of it
M: ive crashed back down to reality
A: tell me are the ones in the mirrors friend or foe
M: depends on the reflection
A: and those in your book. Friend or foe
A: and in not every aspect do you consider yourself friends to all you meet
M: it doesn’t work that way
A: forget it. Your to young and naive to understand
M: you’re right and you’re old and wise so why don’t you bother to at least try to explain it to me rather than brushing me off cus ignorance is far from bliss ill tell you that
A: well for starters the gods were never human
M: i know that.
A: and we don’t reincarnate. We really are born divine
A: yes but that was not what you were expecting me to say nor hoping me to confirm
M: then how does it work
A: it doesn’t. It just is.
M; and you expect me to believe that
A: i expect you to believe a lot of things your naive
M: and your cruel
A: in what ways am i cruel
A: you have done nothing but cut me down since i have known you
A: adam im just trying to understand. And i see you’ve changed your name again.
M: i thought i had permission to take his name i did not
A: actually you did. I’ve looked at the memory of yours and you did have permission that wasn’t a farce
M: how do i know tho
A: ask him to verify it to you, your close.
M: were really not
A: but you want to be close with dionysus
M: i have a squish
A: a friend crush?
A: i know that word because i keep my eye on you. We all have. You really think your ready for divinity. To join a pantheon or make one on your own
M: do you?
A: it doesn’t matter what i think. What matters is whats in the hands of the magician
M: where are you from
A: well im not from the west. I could name the country but you wouldn’t understand it and it would become gibberish in that mind of yours
A: well you did envision me as Black and that was not a mistake
M: okay so are you an old spirit latched on to my aspect
A: something of the sort but not exactly. Theirs pieces to the puzzle your missing and that are not what you assume.
A: you need to solve this puzzle and I’m here to help you
M: why are you so kind to me
A: im kind to everyone i meet we share that in common
M: so your an African spirit
A: im a spirit who was worshiped in Africa if that is what you are asking
A: and i am you. Part of you. We reincarnated together so to speak. Im an aspect and that means i share you. With the others too. I expect you to become me when you die
M: do i have to become one of my aspects
A; fusion total fusion i expect you to become one of us and I expect to be favored on that list
M: so your not a figment of my imagination
A: that may have been your intention but channeling is more accurate. Im you. Im your aspect. But im not solely you nor did i originate from your mind. I exist beyond you. Im your vessel in a lot of ways but i wasn’t always nor will i always continue to be
m: so you’re an old god?
M: then why manifest as one of my aspects
A: i was bored you seemed fitting and i admire you
M: is that right?
A: dont pleasure yourself on the idea. I meant to say i respect you and i see potential in a fusion or aspect or whatever you may concern yourself with you. This is not a game and it seems thanks to me you’re finally seeing that. You want some advice, keep writing about the aspects and refer the aspects of ayrin on that forum of yours. They’re not just you. But they are heavily tied to you hence the name
M i would love to consider this but i have to go i have to use the restroom
A: i have all the time in the world. I will be here when you get back
M: ok brb
A: welcome back
M: okay so as abgonn your job is to reveal secrets and keep them
A: that was how i was “channeled” yes
M: what did you back in the day
A: far more than your imagination
M: well the entries are meant to be a sort of brief bio their not supposed to be everything you go off of
A: someone is evoking your spirit court I’d be very careful who you mention online
A: yes you have my permission to mention me.
M: okay so will the book of ayrin be a laughing stalk
A: no but it does hold secrets im not fond of being revealed
M: like what its not even finished
A: you’ll see when it comes out. Their will be news of it in the spirit world. The spirit world and astral are not the same place as you’ve been led to believe. Neither is the fae realm. Its all very different
M: so if i do the ritual of the key i wont gain anything
A: well il oblige but im not handing you the knowledge i worked so hard for over nothing. You have to work for it and pay me for my attention
M: what do you want
A: you have folllowers adam. I dont think you notice but you do. Those prayers you keep hearing in your head they are not a delusion people really are praying to you elsewhere
M: under this face
A: no but under others and i think you know how to help. Being a god is a responsibility and regardless of whether or not you are, you have to become ready for it. Its an order
M: i dont do orders
A: no but you do listen to me and others ive paid attention. When people call you out you listen.
A: that planet you created in our world. Whats it called
M: i cant recall i have a terrible memory
A: but if you saw it on the astral or otherwise youd beleive it
M: beleive what
A: that you really created it. Adam theirs more going on here than what you are aware. That gift to thor exists. Maybe not yet but it will. Im sure he can wait a thousand years.
M: so what your telling me i m not crazy
A: you have mental problems sure. Yes i’d agree with that. But your spiritual activities are hardly delusions and i do expect you to post this because i am far from the only one who thinks so. Stop worrying about what other people think. This genwa thing you started its just the stepping stone. Occeair sent that storm before you ask.
M: i appreiciate it but i have to go my wrist hurts from typing
A: i understand but this conversation isnt over. Im opening up to you so i expect you to do the same.
M: i got it
A: and before you ask your soul is not ugly. Its average. Gorges in some regards. Its pretty. You should keep it nude.
A: adam i know you dont know what it looks like but trust me it is far from a monster like you envision. Its pretty. I mean that platonicly
M: yeah i get it
A: may i have some of it when I merge with you
M: i dont plan on merging with you
A: i see so your self loathing extends to me now
M: you just remind me of some parts of myself i dont like but i do enjoy our conversations and i like you i just am insecure
A: then how about i change it
M: no be yourself
A: ill try to be more like the abgonn you imagine
M: id rather you just be yourself and i mean that part of getting over my self loathing means accepting all of me and your great practice
A: i see so you can stand me
M: some of its annoying but i just find you condescending
A: hahah maybe i am. Post this to that forum, ill be in touch
M: alright bye
A: never worship yourself thats rule number one
M: i wasnt going to ask
A: keep that in mind. Goodbye.
Odin wants me to call him. So does Lucifer. Hoepfully I’ll get proper candles and a meditative state after this.
Journal 122: “I think you shouldn’t credit it to mental illness when it’s a spiritual problem” -spirit
But I mean….despite the title….aren’t the lines blurred enough anyways?
I sat in the shower. I saw before me my running water. My hand began to move towards my face. I saw nothing but the shower before me this time but I knew what was occurring. I took it to my face. Yellow. Or golden rock. I saw several blue guards holding spears to my sides. A spirit in the guise of a former friend spoke up. “Do you know where you are?” “No” “what do you see” “just gold” a female spirit approached me. “This is home” “no its not” “earth is your home now. But it won’t always be.” She asked me to go there when I die. I told them everything. About the prince sleep incident and of a few other past lives. She said “your right this is not your home. But we welcome you” “we are not bird people. We are not gods. We are mortal men” zenhale or something like that was her name.”promise me when you get a grip on them you’ll Visit. We do not communicate through telepathy but we can hear your thoughts on the astral” “do the little people have anything to say about me” I paused. “They just said I need a mother.” “Did they comment on my race” “no.” (Frosty) “but if theirs a racial slur I know they’ll say it” “I see and what do you think of giants” “I think this isnt my home” “no but we welcome you and we decide who comes in and who goes” (I let people paint me however they want. That’s why I have a weird reputation) “we would not villanize you here or kill you like some people” and then she instructed me to write this all down and I left the shower.
-Date unknown 2019
Journal 123: “I think regardless of whether or not you realize it Occeair is a part of you and it’s about time you acknowledge it” -spirit
“Read the conjure codex. It has the answer you are looking for” – Lucifer on proper evocation
So I’ve been reading up on Lucifer lately. Or At Least I have been today and I plan to start to. I need to find myself a proper evocation method. I read the conjure codex as suggested and low and behold to my surprise it had a section on proper demonic evocation. It has been a while since I picked up a magickal grimoire my attention span hasn’t been worth it and my mental health as of late has been in shambles thus this has been hard to achieve.
Start by fasting the whole day then take a ritual bath that features Hyssop Soap. This should be a whole ordeal itself that I’m not gona cover here. The evocation should be done on the planetary day of the spirit. Then anoint yourself with the oil of abramelin. Though I can imagine you using other oils here though Abremilins the best, but I can see you doing other oils here depending on the operation. Then the area you do the evocation in should be only lit by candles. I engrave upon my candles the elements of Earth, Air, Fire, and Water and also lick them to form a bond. It’s really strange but I personally enjoy licking my items in order to form a bond with them. I use to have a staff when I was insane and I would lick it frequently and until it broke I felt a strong connection with it. The insense in the ritual should be of the proper day. Then set the circle. I prefer to use the one E.A koetting outlined though mine is created from chalk and less bloody. I need something temporary but I find the inscriptions work especially with my knowledge of hebrew which comes in handy here. The circle here is not to “protect” you from the spirits but rather its kind of here as a part of the operation. It’s to center you within not only the right but the universe. Within the magickal setting to set you amongst the world in a sense. Your clothes for the evocation need to be clean. Something white and preferably new. Some clothes that you take care of and only use or wear for such operations. That’s my idea. Based on what’s written anyways. Additionally having a book to hold or a wand for the operation makes sense. That’s what;s outlined with some additional ideas from me in the Conjure Codex regarding how to perform an evocation.
I’ll cite my source here:
Cecchetelli, Mike. Modern Grimoiric Evocation. Hadean.
It’s a really good grimoire I suggest checking out. It was my inspiration for creating a garden at 22. I say garden but really it’s just my pedaless plant lilly and I right now but we’re getting there rest assured. Lilly is also not a lilly but rather a rose hybrid. I notice the spirit of the flower when I visit her. It manifests like a fae like creature to me. It’s hard to put into words. Her soul looks like a naked humanoid covered in green and leaves towards her head which resembles a mix of a cat and a human. Her eyes are beady and her face is like a fur humanoid animal. It’s all very strange and she has more in common with looking like a fantasy drawing than a furry or a humanoid but she’s gorges. Lately her pedals have come off which is saddening. It wasn’t my mother clipping it as I had been led to believe but rather the weather. Recently I showcased my true soul’s colors in front of Abgonn and he told me it was pretty. I told about the face delusion that I had in my daydreams and real life that my spiritual face kept changing depending on the environment. He told me it wasn’t a delusion but that normal people wouldn’t pick on it.
My almost boyfriend karkles told me that my trueface looked like myself but taller and thinner. Anthony from the hospital the only sane one you know who claimed to be Osirus he told met that it looked “lonely” when I asked what it looked like. He was right. I am incredibly lonely. But still.
Lately Abaddon has been reaching out. This no doubt has to do with my infatuation with Apollo that I can’t seem to get over and I’m embarrassed to approach him. But he’s been persistent with his name echoing in my head constantly trying to get my attention. When Lucifer visited me earlier today not only was I surprised to see that he told me he had read my journal but he asked why promise Belzebub a tattoo to which I hastily responded a half truth of “I just really wanted a spiritual tattoo and he was down for it” which is true but not the full story. When it comes to my spiritual workings with Belzbub specifically they are fairly in depth and not mentioned much here. He doesn’t like me to write things down let alone about him so I keep you out of the loop. Lucifer expressed to me he would like me not to write certain things down as well but he knew I was going to. He told me I had to learn about the importance of keeping secrets which I like to think I’ve been better about it lately. I did forget to ask him about my aspects but we’ll see. I’m going to read up on him for a few days acquire the soap then acquire the candles and evoke him, then odin, than abaddon in presumably that order. I have most days to myself so it shouldn’t be an issue but I keep getting the vibe from Odin that he wants me to evoke him. I get very playful around Odin and I’m not a fan of it.
Some spirits have this effect on me. Where I become incredibly playful surrounded by them. Every time I meet an aspect of myself they request to fuse with me. I’m still unsure what I have unlocked with the aspects of ayrin. Theirs clearly more going on here than old gods attaching themselves via channelings and also not enough to be discussed of parts of my heart fractured. It’s a very strange experiment I’m unsure if I’ve discussed with you but one that is topical nevertheless.
I’m scheduled for my first testosterone appointment on the 27th it is far more expensive than imagined but it will do. I still have to talk to Orias about looking more like what I want to look like rather than what my alter promised him since Tagen and my alters do to medication are no longer in the picture. But that I fear is an issue for another day.
That’s all for now.